On the radio

So nervous. So nervous. So scared to go home. Need to be present. I broke down crying for an hour last night. Neil had to pull into the car port. I was partially crying over Neil. Because as much as I suck with love, I feel like I love him. But I feel like something different all the time, I can never trust my feelings... So I just keep them secret and hope that he knows and feels the same, someday, someway.

I sang last night and did so much better than Sunday. Probably because I binged Saturday night and Sunday night, as well as Monday kind of.... But realized yesterday that as scary as it is, I have to eat during the day, or else I am going to end up binging at night.

And yes, my jeans are getting tighter. I got into a body checking spell yesterday for like an hour, putting the same pair of jeans on and off, taking pictures of myself in them, taking pic tures of myself in the nude... ANylzing, anylizing, anylizing........ It was hell... I was sweating bullets. I do this to myself.

And it is wrong, so, so wrong.... Because I just need to make better choices, no matter if my jeans fit me right or not. Like it's just not right to eat food that isn't mine. It is just not right to take more than you need. And that not rightness really reflects, no, BLEEDS out into my life, in every way :/

Like when I binge, I always wake up the next morning wondering why I shouldn't just kill msyelf....

On Saturday, I think the last day I wrote in this (even though I said I would everyday... Go Jules for being so consistent, yet again... UGGHHH), I didn't get out of bed until 6:30 pm. I didn't eat anything either, I just like went out and drank.... And then Sunday, I woke up at 3, didn't get out of bed un til 4:30..... It fucking sucked. I didn't want to do anything, but I had told my friends Ricky that I would bring him muffins to the open mic that day, because Ricky is one of the sweetest people I know.... I tapped on his shoulder at the show the night before and he had the biggest smile on his face to see Neil and I :) He always makes me happy to be around.... A very kind hearted older gentlemen that I am grateful to have as a friend. So you know, I wanted to show him my appreciation.

But ofcourse, Ms. Planner over here forgot to get a ride to the store. ACtually, I just hate getting rides to anywhere. Especially when I have to ask my mom. Because my mom scares me. Fuck That's what ended up happening.... Because I figured, ok, what can I make muffins out of with what we have at the house (yes, that was my motivation for getting out of bed)..... And I found this recipe for STrawberry Jam muffins. Seemed simple enough. So I start getting the ingredients together, Tell myself that I'll do the dishes when I'm done using the dishes required to make the muffins. And then I would do yoga while they were baking. Cool. Game plan for a few hours.

Well, we have no baking soda.

So I ask my dad if he knows any substitutes for baking powder. Nope. Then he started talking about something else. So I asked my mom if I could use baking soda instead of baking powder, since we didnt have any, and then she yells "No you cant do that" and scoffs at me, like I'm such an idiot that my stupidity just set her on fire with anger or some shit....

So I just started to cry. It took everything I had to just get out of bed that day. And now I couldn't make muffins. She said she would go to the store to get me baking powder, but I didn't want her too... Because I should have checked for all the ingredients before and planned better... I was already running real short on time,.... So I just cried.... And then cried more, wishing I had a car... And then my mom yelled at me that I would have a car still if I didn't act like an idiot and wreck it. Ok. Cool. So I feel real great about myself.

Then I felt even dumber, cuz I realized that I just needed to get the fucking baking powder and make it work somehow. So I asked her to get the baking powder. We had to get more jelly too, because I had to use up the last that we had. I miss being able to just go to the store for myself. I hope that I can get more organized with it though, and obviously, exercise much better self control in food choices....

Because baking is fun.... And the muffins turned out great. I didn't eat any.... But I put them in the over when I started doing yoga, then got them out... Did the dishes, ate like tuna or something... Showered.... And then went to Open Mic.

I sucked at open mic, because I was too focused on everyone hearing me, and not the notes... I wasn't feeling it....

But that's what happens when you eat yourself to sleep with cereal and other junk....

Ugh ugh ugh....

I got to stay over Neil's house that night.... And I should have just been content with that all... But no, I was hungry, probably because I ate dinner at like 11... and didn't eat enough during the day....

So I pulled a real jackassed move and took a jar of peanutbutter out of Neil's cupboard, along with a spoon, and put it in my purse for the whole split second that he wasn't looking. Even though he like really tried hard earlier to not have me eat anything.... Because I've said I'm not supposed to eat at night.

But I am such a sneaky fuck.

And I hate it. I will be clever and say like "no but this is only vegetables".... but ok, fucko, it's still food... It's gonna trigger soething,,, so I need to eat my meals earlier in the day, and leave night for a time to sleep, you know>

I told Neil about the jar of peanutbutter.

He said thanks for the honesty, but if I take food again, I can't stay there...

He said that so that I won't take anymore food from here...

Because this is like the only safe place that I feel I have left on earth.

Like I am never able to just sit still and write like this anywhere but here, on Neil's kitchen floor.... Idk, my thinking is just clear hear. I kind of have enough space to be aware of myself and deal with myself....

But yeah I did eat breakfast yesterday morning. I made myself.... Then felt like shit, so went back to bed.... Got up again at like 2.... ugh..... And did something. I can't even remember. I think I just sat and smoked weed while looking up like self help shit. Trying not to talk to this guy that likes me without feeling bad... He is really cool but I asked me to be his girlfriend on Thursday.... and yeah I was drunk and said yes.... Because he is also very smart and sweet. But it just didnt' feel right in the morning... So  I broke up with him Saturday night. And felt really bad. Because as I usually end up saying when I'm drunk at night "I just want to sing and make people smile"... and I know he was sad. But he was still respectful and kind. Then his cat died Sunday and I felt even more bad, because I really didn't know what to do,

I just don't want to be anyones girlfriend right now.

It doesn't feel right....

I would be Neil's girlfriend, but that's only because we're mean to eachother.

That's why I love him.

We are mean to eachother, but we don't hurt eachother.

It's not fake.... And I just feeel like, if you haven't known someone for a REALLY long time, like observed them over time, YEARS, not months.... you really don't know what you're getting into.... So how can you fall inlove? How can you just have that much trust for a stranger?

Obviously, I have some issues.

Hence why I broke up with him. And why Neil and I aren't dating. We'll do this thing we call pretend dating or fake boyfriend and girlfriend, when we go out to bars sometimes.... but it's all just in fun. And that makes it great. We'll even stage fake fights haha.

We're fucked up....

But idk.... I did yoga finally and felt alot better after doing it..... I made like a video of some of my poses because it makes me feel better to be watched, even if it's just by a camera....

Then I showered, tried to practice a few songs... But kind of sucked... My voice has felt weak and trapped lately... My head is foggy and my breath, heavy. I hate it.... But I still made myself put the time, until about 6, which was when I ate dinner....

Some spaghetti squash and tuna vegetable concoction..... I asn't even hungry, but I made myself do it, because I really didn't want to binge that night... Like I just can't keep fucking up. I believe I will keep fucking up, because that's all I think I have ever done. But that's not true, and it's about time I grow up, try something different, make it work, and get with fucking reality....

I don't like being this sad. Or feeling this fucking helpless....

Like I said, I got caught in this loop of inspecting every inch of my body last night, putting the same pair of jeans on and then taking them off, pinching my stomach....

I finally gave it up, made mmyself put on the pair of jeans that I had honestly become afraid of, because they felt tight... But I wanted to reind myself of reality, that my jeans would get tight if I continued to make irresponsible choices with food....

I drank a decent bit last night. Before, during, and after open mic night. That was much needed. Alot of much needed things came with last nights adventure....Like Sunday was ok, but I sang really dumb.... But Ricky told me last night that he had a few of the muffins for breakfast :) And that made me so so happy... And then I found out that another musician that is part ov a very well respected, local band also sturggles with binge eating, so we agreed to email eachother for accountability....

Like I have never met anyone that lives where I do that gets binge eating.... Like it is fucking hell and sucks the life out of you, just like drugs....

It becomes a drug....

But damn, that made me feel more hopeful, and more human, to know that I am not alone....

I sang real well I think last night. Backed off the volume. Connected with the sound, let the mic carry it. I got to do a three part harmorny with two other very talented female vocalists, and I was really hitting some high notes... It felt free, and that's how I like it.....

I didn't eat anything after dinner last night...

GO ME :)))

But I cried for like an hour on the car ride home.... Everything just started pouring out, when Neil told me that I had to go home tonight, because of some unwritten rule, which is fine... I get how family stuff is. I just wish I felt like I had a family.... Or a place to belong....

He pulled the car into the carport until I was done crying.....

And just listened.... He does forget alot, but he does listen....

I played and sang a song that I wrote about him at the Open Mic last night. I was a fool to think for a little while that he would understand what it said. That was very dumb of me....

But idk, I woke up this morning at like 9.... Just layed around in my underwear, wondering why the fuck I should get up, becasuse that is usually how I feel when I wake up, until 10 or 11... I really can't remember... And then walked to the gas station to buy an apple with my last dollar. It was nice to get outside and hear the birds chirping.

I was very hungover. But eating breakfast, drinking some coffee, and I guess just time helped...

I had a vanilla greek yogurt (yum) and an apple.... along with a big glass of water... I still need to up my water game though,,,,

I checked my facebook, and saw that I got a message from my cousin who was like my sister until I was 13 today. She is I think, 27 now... And we don't talk all the time... There's a long story, mainly thanks to my parent's and their bullshit... But I still love her and miss her....

But she told me that even though it seems as if she has moved on, that she still struggles with depression beyond an extent that she is able to express to those around her. Because it is hard to understand. She said that I described it pretty accurately in one of my posts, and then told me that she prayed with a Sufi on one of her trips.... And he reminded her to be gentle....

And that really is something I need to be more of, is gentle.

I am so damn hard on myself, and so harsh in my actions. This creates the bi-polar world of extremes. And it is exhausting.

I was so happy to hear from her though....

I messaged the guitar player I chatted with last night too, about what I ate.... And then did some photoediting..... Then went up stairs to do yoga....

It felt good. But my perception was a bit lost in the mirror. Atleast, that is the only way I can think of to say it... Like in certain poses, if I am focused on my breathing properly, I will just hear myself saying arms here, foot here, ect.... And just feel it....

Then when I am being vein, I will just see myself doing it in my head... The pose, that is.... Which is not very helpful, because the poses are always going to look different, but it is the objective, the intention, and the consistency of the practice, that really makes the difference.

I got out of it though and wound down, drenched in sweat, with a nice Viyanasa. I had to keep reminding myself that everything is new... That yesterday is gone, and this is now... That I've never been here before, so I mine as well use this chance to really focus on my breath and alignment... And give myself the most honest shot I can....

I got a shower immediately after.... Felt fantastic....

And then I got real sad and empty again... Real shaky....

I have like, crippling anxiety... It has been like this since I was a kid... I really don't know what to do about it anymore. I have tried to explain to my paretns before how it effects me, but they think it is my fault pretty much, and just tell me to see another doctor....

But that's not the freaking point man....

The freaking point, is that, there was something in my life that caused me to become this way...

And if I don't want to be this way anymore, I have to make a new way of life, without that something, whatever it is......

And ALOT of the weight of that something is guilt I feel around my family.....

But that is a story for another time. I am happy that I decided to smoke weed on the kitchen floor and write this blog entry. It has almost been like talking with another person. I put on some female singer play list, hoping to be inspired by it.... And the songs are kind of neat, but I'm not motivated. I feel like Neil's mom is trying to sleep, and I don't want to wake her.

I really hope I can just get a fucking job soon, save up some money, and get my own place... where I can sing and not worry about bothering anyone....

That self confidence and self worth though...

Needs some upping....

I'm planning on eating some zuchini, tomatoes, and tuna around 6 pm. I think I need to eat more protein though... So maybe I'll put an egg in it.

Ahhhh and then we are hopefully going to open mic night. Hopefully I will just grow a pair and warm up at some point....

Then, I have to go home :/ I really hope to just walk into my room, put my clothes into the hamper, put on some weird space music, and fall asleep....

And then, wake up at nine.... fold the laundry.... Put on my little workout outfit and drug rug hoodie (that's what I wear during the day before I've done my yoga usually.... so comfy....), ask my mom if she needs any help.... Look into getting this copy right thing for my book, review my dissability forms, do my fucking therapy worksheet.... Oh yeah, duh, eat breakfast before all of that.... Ummm eggs and fruit.... Coffee... Smoke..... Do yoga, get a shower, put on my skinny jeans and black button down and hat, go to freaking therapy... Get dropped off at Neil's maybe, or idk...

I am now getting too far ahead of myself.

But I tried today, to figure out some sort of routine for myself. And it is going to have to be a little bit different tomorrow, since I have therapy... But I figure, I can wake up around 11, use the first three hours that I'm awake and just lounging to clean, write, read stuff online, smoke cigarettes, eat breakfast, drink coffee, do stuff like phonecalls.....

Then do yoga or some exercise around 2... I mean I can wake up at 9 I guess... And do yoga at noon... But baby steps... So this is it, for now.... So, yoga at 2, be cleaned up and showered, dressed, by like 4, smoke a bit, write a bit, like catch up with myself... You know?

And then find healthy recipes I can make for dinner... also during my morning wake up time.... Practice music around 4 for an hour, prep dinner at 5, eat at 6.... then go through shit on my phone or do something, make something new.... I need to make something new everday....

Then go to open mic or out or some shit. Come home ahhhhhh and just fucking sleep... And if I can't sleep... stair at the ceiling.... And just sit with  myself, as hard and as scary as that can be,.,,,

That is the only option there truly is....

By, for now.

Ok. So I' laying here, having some smoke. I want pastries. But I'm not hungry. It's a lie. Because while I was out, still around people, not freaking out about being alone, I wasn't hungry....

So I'm not gonna eat. The craving is a lie. I don't NEED it.

That being said, I do need a plan. So I came up with one while I as in the shower. And I'm gonna try it for the next week... I am going to eat two meals a day, each about 500 calories, with lots of vegetables, proteins, and healthy fats... then drink one drink, every hour, from 5 pm to 2 am... with a maximum of two beers. The rest has to vodka.

This will bring me to about 1800 calories for the day, which, combined with a daily yoga routine, should be good.

I also hope to start eating earlier in the day, having a rule of no more food after 10 pm.

I'm aware that this is not the healthiest life style plan, but you have no idea where I'm coming from at the same time... I think that this could work. So I'll see how a week of this goes.

I did alright today. I ate some spaghetti squash that I made, mixed with zuchini, peppers, spinach, onions, mushrooms, salsa, chicken, a bit of oil, garlic salt, pepper, paprika, oregano, and basil....

I had two beers while cooking and cleaning.

And then 3 shots of vodka at the bar. So, that comes to about 1,020 calories.

Maybe I should eat some more spaghetti squash, like with tuna... I should be at atleast 1600 calories, and not over 1900.

I have to make sure that I don't restrict.

I read this thing today about common pitfalls that occur after one reaches there goal weight... And it said that restricting leads to binging.

It also said that not having a challenge leads to old habits creeping back in. The proposed solution for those who have reached their goal weight was to get involved in something that will keep them fit and healthy. The author used her taking up cycling as a hobby for an example.

I guess I should take yoga a step further, on that token... I just really don't know how. But I figure, stick with it as a daily practice, and keep it in mind.

My calories are now up to 1,260. I am eating an apple and greek yogurt. I have had enough spaghetti squash for today.

See ya soon.

The Start,

So, I am making this blog to hold myself accountable.... As a way of being honest and keeping track of what works and what needs to be let go of. I have had some sort of Eating Disorder since I was 13 years old, and fluctuated between 70 lbs. and 165 lbs. at 5'5" within the last 4 years. I have never found a really "healthy" way of living... But I am tired of hurting myself....

My Eating Disorder has cut into my life so deep, that I really just forgot how to live.... I forgot how to be a member of the community after being in and out of hospitals so much... I forgot how to have friends after spending so many nights sneaking to get more food, tip toeing to the bathroom to go and puke.... Overdrawing my bank account because I NEEDED more chocolate.... I got to a place finally this last fall of not weighing myself... Cooking for myself, kind of almost living... But I still probably wasnt eating enough.... So I relapsed and gained 30 lbs. in a month, after moving back home from another stint in a treatment center.

I think I that I was around 155 lbs. during this past Christmas season. It really, really sucked. None of my clothes fit. I was lucky enough to have a friend give me some of her old jeans that she wore when she was pregnant... And then I kind of just sported the cut-off neck t-shirt and flannel look... It worked, but sucked....

I finally got my butt back out on stage around January, to sing again... and that motivated me a bit more to get my health in order... Singing kind of keeps me in line, it puts things into a perspective that I can see... Quite frankly, it makes me care....

But this is a battle, you see, because I live with my parents again... And they don't like noise too much. They especially don't like it at night, when I am most likely to be wrestling with my demons that can only be expelled through song, as insomnia laughs like gold digging bitch.

So some nights, I get fortunate, and I'll be able to put my things into a backpack, stay at a friends couch, and feel kind of safe. Other nights, a miracle will happen, and I will fall asleep on this strange futon device that serves as my bed in this 10x10 prison cell. Other nights, I fall apart, and eat... and eat... and eat....

Well, I have been staying away from home alot.... Doing Yoga everyday... And yes, drinking at night to quell this anxiety... That, combined with eating lots of vegetables, barely any carbs, and a recent bout with the stomach flu, has gotten my weight back down to 139 lbs., as of yesterday.

I look fucking good.

I don't quite know how to take it, either. All my old jeans fit again. But I'm not too bony. I'm actually beautiful... And I don't know how to take it. Like where do I take it? What do I do with hell? How to BE WELL?

Well, I don't know....

That's why I'm starting this blog though... To record my habits and see what takes me where... I know that I want to look good, feel good, and be able to maintain a balanced, honest, RECOVERED life... I do not want to use food to deal with my emotions anymore... I want to face and embrace myself...

So here is what went down yesterday....

I woke up and ate a pear, along with some Greek Yogurt... Did yoga and then free weights... went to my friends house... Breakfast was around 12:30 pm, and then I ate again around 7:30 pm, after smoking about 3 bowls of resin and weed. By the way, this is not a health advice blog... I want to make that very clear... This is just an honest account of what I do.... Ummm, but anyhow, then around 8:30, I had three shots of Vodka... Another shot around 10 pm... I sang at 10:30, finished the previous shot, and then caved to buy a bag of peanuts. My stomach felt so empty, and I was super anxious, because my ride wanted to leave, but I didn't want to go back to my house and be all alone yet....

When I got home around midnight though, I had a bag of mixed vegetables, a can of green beans, some salsa, tuna, and then topped it with feta cheese.

That was supposed to be where I was done for the day...

I tried to smoke a bowl of weed and draw... But I couldnt sit still. I could hear my family walking around my house and felt like I was being a nuissance....

I couldn't take it, and went to eat a bowl of honey bunches of oats.... I put milk in it, and then mixed a packet of carnation instant breakfast in, along with about 3 tablespoons of peanutbutter... Then I also ate two sausage sandwhiches with cheese, another bowl of the carnation instant brekfast peanutbutterized cereal, and a peanutbutter and jelly sandwhich....

I tossed and turned in pain until about 6 am, and then fell asleep....

Woke up today at 2 with that "already ashamed that I'm here" feeling...

Yuck.... I have been smoking weed and drinking coffee for the last hour. I didn't even want to get up today. But I got to atleast do yoga, clean a bit, and try to start over new....

One day at a time...

I will be back later to post my food and workout. Maybe I'll expound upon my yoga routine a bit. But I promise, I will be back... It is important that I keep track of this stuff, because no one else can or will.