The Start,

So, I am making this blog to hold myself accountable.... As a way of being honest and keeping track of what works and what needs to be let go of. I have had some sort of Eating Disorder since I was 13 years old, and fluctuated between 70 lbs. and 165 lbs. at 5'5" within the last 4 years. I have never found a really "healthy" way of living... But I am tired of hurting myself....

My Eating Disorder has cut into my life so deep, that I really just forgot how to live.... I forgot how to be a member of the community after being in and out of hospitals so much... I forgot how to have friends after spending so many nights sneaking to get more food, tip toeing to the bathroom to go and puke.... Overdrawing my bank account because I NEEDED more chocolate.... I got to a place finally this last fall of not weighing myself... Cooking for myself, kind of almost living... But I still probably wasnt eating enough.... So I relapsed and gained 30 lbs. in a month, after moving back home from another stint in a treatment center.

I think I that I was around 155 lbs. during this past Christmas season. It really, really sucked. None of my clothes fit. I was lucky enough to have a friend give me some of her old jeans that she wore when she was pregnant... And then I kind of just sported the cut-off neck t-shirt and flannel look... It worked, but sucked....

I finally got my butt back out on stage around January, to sing again... and that motivated me a bit more to get my health in order... Singing kind of keeps me in line, it puts things into a perspective that I can see... Quite frankly, it makes me care....

But this is a battle, you see, because I live with my parents again... And they don't like noise too much. They especially don't like it at night, when I am most likely to be wrestling with my demons that can only be expelled through song, as insomnia laughs like gold digging bitch.

So some nights, I get fortunate, and I'll be able to put my things into a backpack, stay at a friends couch, and feel kind of safe. Other nights, a miracle will happen, and I will fall asleep on this strange futon device that serves as my bed in this 10x10 prison cell. Other nights, I fall apart, and eat... and eat... and eat....

Well, I have been staying away from home alot.... Doing Yoga everyday... And yes, drinking at night to quell this anxiety... That, combined with eating lots of vegetables, barely any carbs, and a recent bout with the stomach flu, has gotten my weight back down to 139 lbs., as of yesterday.

I look fucking good.

I don't quite know how to take it, either. All my old jeans fit again. But I'm not too bony. I'm actually beautiful... And I don't know how to take it. Like where do I take it? What do I do with hell? How to BE WELL?

Well, I don't know....

That's why I'm starting this blog though... To record my habits and see what takes me where... I know that I want to look good, feel good, and be able to maintain a balanced, honest, RECOVERED life... I do not want to use food to deal with my emotions anymore... I want to face and embrace myself...

So here is what went down yesterday....

I woke up and ate a pear, along with some Greek Yogurt... Did yoga and then free weights... went to my friends house... Breakfast was around 12:30 pm, and then I ate again around 7:30 pm, after smoking about 3 bowls of resin and weed. By the way, this is not a health advice blog... I want to make that very clear... This is just an honest account of what I do.... Ummm, but anyhow, then around 8:30, I had three shots of Vodka... Another shot around 10 pm... I sang at 10:30, finished the previous shot, and then caved to buy a bag of peanuts. My stomach felt so empty, and I was super anxious, because my ride wanted to leave, but I didn't want to go back to my house and be all alone yet....

When I got home around midnight though, I had a bag of mixed vegetables, a can of green beans, some salsa, tuna, and then topped it with feta cheese.

That was supposed to be where I was done for the day...

I tried to smoke a bowl of weed and draw... But I couldnt sit still. I could hear my family walking around my house and felt like I was being a nuissance....

I couldn't take it, and went to eat a bowl of honey bunches of oats.... I put milk in it, and then mixed a packet of carnation instant breakfast in, along with about 3 tablespoons of peanutbutter... Then I also ate two sausage sandwhiches with cheese, another bowl of the carnation instant brekfast peanutbutterized cereal, and a peanutbutter and jelly sandwhich....

I tossed and turned in pain until about 6 am, and then fell asleep....

Woke up today at 2 with that "already ashamed that I'm here" feeling...

Yuck.... I have been smoking weed and drinking coffee for the last hour. I didn't even want to get up today. But I got to atleast do yoga, clean a bit, and try to start over new....

One day at a time...

I will be back later to post my food and workout. Maybe I'll expound upon my yoga routine a bit. But I promise, I will be back... It is important that I keep track of this stuff, because no one else can or will.